Can I Stop Adulting yet? Or a Rant on that Post-Grad Life.

I graduated college what? Three months ago? May seems like a lifetime away now. Since then I have applied to internships, jobs, and freaked out almost every day at one point, I had about three huge panic attacks days apart from each other. It was awful. I was offered an amazing internship that I was unable to take just because of financial reasons and distance (which the financial part played into). That really crushed my spirits for a while. However, I managed to gain another internship for a while and am now working for this same office. It’s a good experience for me so far, I know I am just a temp. for now but experience is experience in my world. Especially since I have so little of it.

I spent one weekend with my friends at the beach and I am pretty sure by the end of our magical weekend, we all realized that although we could do it again later on we have no idea when that will be. I miss them a lot, but we all know we are just busy. Especially now that some of us are graduates and working on this whole notion of “being an adult”.

It terrifies me, that whole “adult” thing has instilled so much fear into me I honestly am not sure I will ever be fully there and whatever progress I have made so far I want to stop right there. I am still applying for other jobs since my time at my current employment is timed. I still freak out at times because I wonder what will happen if I don’t make it in the wonderful world of publishing that I have told myself I want to be in? What if I can’t pay my loans?? What if I fall into massive debt because I can’t pay my loans on time? What if I *gulp* have to ask my parents for more money in order  to pay back the loans? Honestly, I think college and post-grad life would be much better if there wasn’t this horrible fear creepily lurking on our back all the time. Honestly, I have spoken to one of my friends a lot of times about our post-grad feelings and I don’t think we are the only ones. We dread job searching. Absolutely DREAD it, and honestly I think it’s because we are at this point counting down until December when we have to start paying back for the last four years and we fear not being able to follow through. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling. Right now, I am more so just hoping for any way that I can gain money to be able to save up for December and give as much as I possibly can because I don’t want to fall into more debt than needed and the faster I pay it all back the better.

Sometimes I wish I was still at school, a  nice medium between the freedom of being on my own and having (almost) no worries. Ahh life was so simple a few months ago…

Okay so maybe it wasn’t. But it would be wonderful if it would always have a happy middle ground, wouldn’t it? That happy medium where there was work and life to figure out, but also a strange security that things might just turn out for the best.

I guess I just don’t like the unknown. I don’t like not knowing what I am doing, I don’t like not knowing where my life is headed or how I will be able to do things later. I guess I have been too conditioned to have a plan in some way. I mean at school you planned your classes ahead so you had time to mentally prepare yourself.

I hope any of you recent grads share your thoughts and feelings with me. Let me know I’m alone (or not). How are you all coping with this new life?

Best,

Gissel

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